Had last therapy a week ago, just back from the "holidays" (this should deserve its own post). I asked to see her again so soon, not 2 weeks later, because interesting stuff about rage, victims and slaves was coming up, and you know, strike the iron while it's hot, or whatever. Problem is, during the week, first week home, I didn't work on that stuff at all. I worked on my novel DDLM, I worked for the Blackfish, I fixed my collection of Beatles songs. Writing is awesome, but the problem is what I didn't do. I'm not doing lots of things that I LOVE to do, that nobody forces me to do. I didn't go to the gym, didn't take care of my looks, didn't work on the house, all the things I dreamed of while I was away. I just sat there and typed or photoshopped. I barely ate - I didn't drink beer either, but I swear tonight I'll buy something to eat. Then on Monday, and this too would deserve a post of its own, the Snakes dragged me to a Star Wars event, where I went randomly with Qui-Gon's poncho, Obi-Wan's lightsaber and a frying pan (long story) and I had fun like an idiot. So I'm not really sociophobic... on Monday. For the rest I sat at the computer and had fun with my novel. FUN - this is a feeling. It was like a half-assed rebellion, to be fine-tuned (more to eat, some gym), maybe because I was finally free for a while from that slavery dynamic that happens in my family. And yet I keep going back up there. Why? For company? For cats? I have a feeling my therapist disapproves of this dependence. And yet there should be a balance in this too. Either of the two places is a refuge from the other. But my home in Milan is becoming a very arid refuge. Maybe if I fine-tune my "rebellion" to include gym and housekeeping, I will feel better there. We also spoke about rage. She says rage is important and must not be erased, rather controlled and used. She also says rage and fear are the natural reaction in a continuous slaver-slave dynamic. I'm a long way from using rage for my strength, of course, but it's interesting how we restricted the concept of victim to that of slave. And the slave is not me. I have to understand I'm not dealing with a rational person. My mother can be awesome, but I can't ask for anything and have to handle her requests carefully, prevent them if possible. If I can do this, we'll get along much better. There's so much more to be said about this (continues) |