Note to self: never blog while on the rag. We're most sincere when we're most vulnerable, but uhm, MAYBE the readers would like to be cheered up. It's not the main reason I write this blog, but certainly one of the most important: even when I tell of my catastrophes, I don't do it to get sympathy, but because I hope that somewhere someone says "Whew, I'm not the only one, and whew, maybe something CAN be done." While in that bottomless pit of despair called "monthly period", anyway, I thought a lot about fear. I'm gathering ideas and references for the essay I'd like to write, "The troubled warrior." I've even set my eyes on a publisher who prints similarly-themed books. I only wish it had a universal value, something many people can share, and wasn't simply my memoirs about how I deal with fear. The quote of the post title comes from the most recent Stephen King book I've bought. It's a collection of short stories, I forget the title. In the introduction he says that our repulsion-fascination with fear comes from the inescapable fact that we all must die. Not just horror stories, but most great literature, at its core, is based on this theme, if you think about it. I guess that King addresses "normal" readers who don't suffer from pathological fear, and benefit from the careful doses he administers to them. In fact, fear in itself is a perfectly natural and healthy reaction; it's your instinct telling you to be careful. Most times nowadays we're afraid not because we're risking death, like our ancestors when confronted with a sabertooth tiger, but because, say, our job or relationship or health is at risk, and this kind of fear leads us to a controlled form of the "fight or flight" reaction: work on it, or make a choice and find another job, for example. Actually, reading King relaxes me, it does not scare me in the least. My fear IS pathological: it definitely relates to the fear of death, but it's the fear that if I do or say something wrong, I'll just cease to exist. This is complicated, and I had begun another post about it which is languishing in the "draft" section, but let me leave it at that for now. I'll just point out that this is the stuff of most panic attacks: friends have told me that during panic attacks they feel with absolute certainty like they're dying or are already dead. This happens to me during panic attacks too, and in different forms when my depression-anxiety is at its worst. This is not healthy fear, because my "fight or flight" reaction is out of control: either I physically destroy the threat, thus adding myself to the list of things I'm afraid of, or I systematically run away, thus living in a paralysis. (sp?) I'll need some serious medical reference for this, if I want to put it in my essay. However, as you know, I'm working on it - the fear, I mean. I've already done some little things in these final days of 2008 that represent an attempt at taking my life into my hands, as much as anybody can. Three words: car, medicines, diplomacy. Let's see how it goes. Despair is always behind the corner, and I just accept it, thus the "Heart shall be bolder" approach. Or, in Captain Speirs' words (from Band of Brothers): We're all scared. You hid in that ditch because you think there's still hope. But Blithe, the only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. And the sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function.Substitute "person" to "soldier" and you'll have my current attitude. And hey, it helps. So, the post below might have sounded awfully negative (apart for the hilarious Christmas Mass) but in my mind it wasn't. I'm trying to work also on my identification with soldiers, warriors etc. It comes naturally than an essay on fear should also tackle courage, and from there, what makes a hero. I'll need a lot of re-reading the classics, from Homer to Beowulf to the modern epics of Tolkien and Rowling, and also attempt a definition of what is a hero to me, with special reference to my WWII studies. I think the bottom line is that the concept of "heroism" is necessarily subjective. Maybe each of us considers heroes those who inspire us, or might be us if we had that something more. Thus the wildly varied definitions of heroism throughout human history. More reading to do. Resolutions for 2009? Only one: fix my job situation. I mean to finish an assignment and then dedicate myself to other things, which might include writing my own stuff. All the rest is a bonus. Oh, and I've just joined Facebook, but don't expect too much, I'm still trying to upload a webcam pic of myself in my PJs. Happy New Year, everybody! |