I wish this meant something. We were playing and flirting, and I was scared but I also wanted to try and get over it. He gave me some encouragement as I've rarely noticed in real life from him, but mostly playful. But I thought "I like this", which too is rare. So, after yet again a not-so-subtle hint, I decided "What the hell", and kissed him. And he turned his face away. As guys always do in my dreams. Then we were on a bed, just holding hands, and that felt nice. Maybe I had been too hasty? But in the dream there was a feeling of possibility. I dream about him pretty often. Once we just found ourselves face to face, and he asked "Well?" and I answered "Well?" I liked that feeling too. I know it's in my hands. I wish I felt something more than "liking", because liking is not enough to overcome my fear. But I think it's the other way around, the fear overcomes every other feeling to the point that I can't understand what I feel. If my amygdala has gone haywire, what can I do beside treating it and waiting for results. As I said below, one fear at a time. Let me get rid of this translation, then we'll see how strong my will to live is. But I have to remember that healing will be slow, very slow. |