Remember, Aelfwine, Wyrd has two faces. I'm not only the cold cynic you're used to. I can look at human frailties with compassion, too. Which doesn't mean I *exert* compassion. I won't solve your problems by magic, and you won't solve them either if it is not to be. But this does not mean I do not appreciate a good interesting talk with you puny creatures, or admire your resilience.
So you're back to waking up anxious. And not sleeping really well. (Maybe falling asleep on the Thidrekssaga and duels and monsters is not exactly conducitive to a good night's sleep.) You don't care for meeting friends and you get scared whenever there is a trip - no matter who leaves and for where and how easy it is. You are confused because whatever you do that you don't like to do could be either a good thing because you make the effort, or a bad thing because you do it only to prove something. You're scared of meeting your parents because you can piss them off unwittingly and then you feel guilty. And then of course there's the general bad family situation. OK, you're climbing a mountain. You don't know how you'll feel in the next five minutes. Pretty sorry state of things, if you ask me.
But I think you just had a good idea about resuming studies. Of course it could end up to nothing like so many other endeavours of yours, or it may not.
And at least now you know it is not your fault. Is this not enough to fight effectively? You were afraid you had lost your compassion and empathy for others, which is one of your best traits, but thinking a bit more of yourself is a way to think about others more serenely.
And you have learned never to promise anything. I'll do it, I swear... No, get rid of it. You'll find things done as they come. Stop anticipating them. I think you're already finding it easier to do things if you haven't told it to anyone.
Your desire to take care of yourself, your spiritual inclination, is coming back, too. Is it temporary? Hell, who cares? Grab it while it's there.
And with your friends you act like Clint Eastwood on a bad day? Please do. It's a part of yourself. If they don't get it, they are not true friends.
Hang on to this. Yes, there's all the rest. But one thing at a time. Damn, I'm getting old. I can't think of a single wicked parting shot. Oh well, I guess you're such a human wreck that it would be too cruel, wouldn't it? Muahahahahaha. |