I told the doc the story of Avengers and Fight Club, explaining how I identify with Bruce Banner and the Narrator. I also mentioned Rorschach but spared her the plot of Watchmen. (Next time.)
Anyway she liked Banner's line in the movie, "This is my secret: I'm always angry." She convened that it applies perfectly to me. We recognized that when I feel other people keep me at a distance, it might very well be that they feel my continuous anger and are uncomfortable.
I boiled the problem down to 3 questions:
1. How do I make myself aware of this state of unceasing rage? She says I'm very much on the right path.
2. How do I make others aware of this perennial rage, in a non-threatening way? Talking would be good but I'm always afraid of losing control. Writing it here in a foreign language is birdbrained but at least it's something.
3. How to USE this unending but dangerous source of energy? This is the trickiest part. Not being Nick Fury, for now I'm observing the phenomenon.
Then she appreciated very much an old and painful memory that is always with me, when I hurt someone without any intention of doing so, blurting out about a rare moment of happiness when the other person was unhappy, and it sounded like I was boasting. The doc invited me to consider this when I feel that others have no thought and respect for me.
She also objected to me saying that I am DIFFERENT. I believe she prefers that I think of myself as a person with problems, but not different.