Sane Inside Insanity: CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM, CAN PROBABLY KILL THEM UNDER ITALIAN LAW

martedì, aprile 24, 2012

CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM, CAN PROBABLY KILL THEM UNDER ITALIAN LAW

The other day Dad asked for a document from Mom in the kindest, most normal tone in the world, and she started ranting and raving and screaming that she's fed up of being abused.

A little later I saw Dad walking in the garden. He looked normal, but I started crying.

I had a strange sensation of relief, as in "Mom is mad, I can't do anything for her, I'm free." But I also felt desperation for the same reason, and the instinct to stay and try to avoid damage like a UN observer.

This event is the most extreme case of a situation that has become commonplace in their household. My Mom can chat like the sweetest person, engage you in deep conversation, support you and kiss you on the head when she sees you struggling -

... but if you ASK her for something, or even let yourself be overheard wondering where you put your glasses, she flies into a rage and HAS TO HELP WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT, MAKING YOU FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE SHE FEELS ABUSED.

Next moment, sweet as honey.

She did this since I was born. No wonder that today I feel completely lost and devoid of personality, a nothingness. I exist to fight the world and humanity, that no matter how beautiful they may seem, they can turn on you like a rabid dog any moment, without provocation.

Paradoxically, this becomes your only identity, the defining trait of your personality, without which you don't exist.

Maybe this is the reason why I keep going back up there. I've been working a lot with my therapist about this, and it's not as simple as "they are my only family".

Maybe it's also the reason why I find so much difficulty lately in doing even the smallest things. The "soldier" mindset has dominated my mind: everything is a danger, therefore everything is to be avoided, even doing laundry.

But today I had an idea. I didn't find an ally, but I found a new strategy. I tried to confront Dad with Mom's condition. He replied that there is no problem, but with such anger and unreasonableness that denial is not just a river in Egypt, it's the ocean that swallowed Atlantis!

So I decided I'll take him to therapy in 2 weeks. (The doc doesn't know yet, muahaha.) Why? I'll have to think of a good reason because the doc will ask, but this idea quite thrills me.

QUOTES

Heart shall be bolder,
harder be purpose,
more proud the spirit
as our power lessens!
Mind shall not falter
nor mood waver,
though doom shall come
and dark conquer.
(The Battle of Maeldon, translated by Tolkien)

He who has a treasure, or a demon in his heart, cannot hide it. (King Theodoric the Great)

I' mi son un che, quando
Amor mi spira, noto, e a quel modo
ch'e' ditta dentro vo significando.
(Dante Alighieri, Purgatorio)

The lambs will stop for now. But, Clarice, you judge yourself with all the mercy of the dungeon scales at Threave; you'll have to earn it again and again, the blessed silence. Because it's the plight that drives you, seeing the plight, and the plight will not end, ever. (Hannibal Lecter)

Kilimanjaro is a snow-covered mountain 19,710 feet high, and is said to be the highest mountain in Africa. Its western summit is called the Masai 'Ngaje Ngai', the House of God. Close to the western summit there is the dried and frozen carcass of a leopard. No one has explained what the leopard was seeking at that altitude. (Ernest Hemingway)

Would I embarrass you? Yes, it is possible. You see, I... I am crazy. I take the newer medications, but I still see things that are not here. I just choose not to acknowledge them. Like a diet of the mind, I choose not to indulge certain appetites. Like my appetite for patterns. Perhaps my appetite to imagine and to dream. (A Beautiful Mind)

Night gathers, and now my watch begins.
It shall not end until my death.
I shall take no wife, hold no lands,
father no children.
I shall wear no crowns and win no glory.
I shall live and die at my post.
I am the sword in the darkness.
I am the watcher on the walls.
I am the fire that burns against the cold,
the light that brings the dawn,
the horn that wakes the sleepers,
the shield that guards the realms of men.
I pledge my life and honor to the Night Watch
for this night and all the nights to come.
(GRRM)

Never criticize a person until you walk a mile in their shoes (Atticus Finch)

A warrior for peace is no less a warrior (General Korrd, unwittingly reminding of Yitzhak Rabin)

What was there to be gained by fighting the most evil wizard who has ever existed? Only innocent lives, Peter. (Sirius Black)

Whatever makes a soldier sad will make a killer smile (Leonard Cohen)

I'm rightly tired of the pain I hear and feel, boss. I'm tired of bein on the road, lonely as a robin in the rain. Not never havin no buddy to go on with or tell me where we's comin from or goin to or why. I'm tired of people bein ugly to each other. It feels like pieces of glass in my head. I'm tired of all the times I've wanted to help and couldn't. I'm tired of bein in the dark. Mostly it's the pain. There's too much. If I could end it, I would. But I can't. (John Coffey)

Oh, life! 'tis in an hour like this, with soul beat down and held to knowledge, - as wild, untutored things are forced to feel - Oh, life! 'tis now that I do feel the latent horror in thee! but 'tis not me! that horror's out of me! and with the soft feeling of the human in me, yet will I try to fight ye, ye grim, phantom futures! (Starbuck)

I have dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind. (Charlotte Bronte)

If I know a song of Africa, of the giraffe and the African new moon lying on her back, of the plows in the fields and the sweaty faces of the coffee pickers, does Africa know a song of me? Will the air over the plain quiver with a color that I have had on, or the children invent a game in which my name is, or the full moon throw a shadow over the gravel of the drive that was like me, or will the eagles of the Ngong Hills look out for me? (Karen Blixen)

Do not you recognize me, Dumas? I am the rearguard of the Grande Armee. I have stood at Kovno, and thrown the last muskets in the Niemen. I am Marshal Ney. Give me a bowl of soup. (Attributed to Michel Ney).