Might as well start taking notes now.
Was the need to hurt myself on Saturday night due to feeling different, or to the fear of having ruined a good thing, or both?
My therapists told me of the importance of positive feelings such as loving a fictional character, or the elation when I write. It seems I have a problem with feelings different from fear and rage, thus the absence of a man in my life. But I love my family too, despite everything. How about this feeling?
One lesson I'm trying to learn, however, is not to trust my mother. I need something? I do it by myself. She says we're going somewhere (while on holiday) and she'll wake me up, then doesn't, and berates me for being late. Lesson: set the alarm, no matter that you're taking it easy, no matter that someone promised to call you.
The latter case was a lesson I thought I'd forget, and instead it seems I'm remembering it.
Meanwhile, of course, there was the explosion on Sat night. How do I control that kind of rage? A friend told me: "Sing". That's so awesome and so "King's Speech" that I'll try it next time. But when will next time be? Do I always have to try things on my skin?
My therapist is very bright but has a problem: she's not a cat person. So she can't understand the situation at our home - free cats risking their lives - and thinks we should just stop feeding them. The other day I was in mourning for Rory because she hadn't come back for the night. She reappeared, of course. But it was real mourning, not being able to do the things I like, afraid to listen to music because I could relate it forever to "the day Rory disappeared". Is this normal?
Well, in less than an hour I'll see my therapist and I'll be able to close this damn post... maybe.
And now of course I'm late. This is my curse. All the things I have to do, even though I want to do them, become an imposition from outside, even though outside is me! See how crazy it is?
And today I'm full of ideas, I've even bought THE WORLD at the street market, then (I'm writing in the evening right now) I bought books and even new cushions for the kitchen chairs. The question is: Will this bout of energy last... and if so, or if not, why? Is it because I did my feet and feel pretty?
(right now I feel like doing nothing, but it's also 7:30pm, I've walked all day and I haven't eaten yet. Let's se how tomorrow goes.)
Ok, I told my therapist that I was late (see above) and of the Saturday fiasco, of hurting myself because I was so scared I was different. I also told her about all the things hidden in my family, that scared me like awful unspeakable mysteries, when I only needed a trusted person to take me aside and explain to me why my great-aunt was leaving her husband, for example. And instead there was a seemingly inaccessible mother (that was and is my feeling, even though she'd deny) when SHE had such a bad relation with work and life that SHE HAD NO TIME TO LISTEN TO THE BEATLES. This recent revelation shocked me - what kind of prison was it?
And how did I figure into it? Why am I so scared (and so viciously proud) to be different? What was I to her? Did she refuse and deny me so much?
My therapist suggested another encounter to talk about this nucleus of pain. I'll do what I can to make it happen.
Ok, I think this time the post is over. Till the next therapy post.