This was supposed to be a part of a New Year post in which I summarized my progresses in the past year. Then, as you've read, stuff happened, and I blurted out many things that I had meant to write in the New Year post. Well, anyway, here's the rest of it and an attempt at a conclusion. Briefly, 2010 saw me digging relentlessly into my mind, with the help of my neglected therapists, to learn the origin of my fear and rage (almost done), learn to control them and find the strength in myself. This happened partially and unexpectedly with the Israel trip. I was there near the window, taking every picture of the Aegean isles, and the magnitude of what was happening struck me. No fear. Fun. Lifewish. Filming the approach to Tel Aviv. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SOLDIERBLUE? Once I set foot on Israeli soil, I had to acknowledge the incredible. I was not afraid. Quite the contrary. The Israel trip was incredible; I haven't been able to write anything about it, except for a summary for Don Sandro which was very spiritual and I'm a bit embarrassed to post it. The spiritual experience was there, but also much more. Not that I was completely free of anxiety. On the last days I was tense like a violin chord, believing that my parents were not telling us THAT ALL OUR CATS HAD DIED AND THE HOUSE HAD SLID INTO THE LAKE AND THEY WERE DYING THIS VERY MOMENT - none of which happened, of course, chalk it up to my anxiety. But there was so much to see, so INTENSE, that my anxiety always had a short life. It exploded at Ben Gurion airport, Tel Aviv, but for purely physical reasons. I started crying and I wanted a beer (which Don Sandro paid for me, I fear!) but it was just fatigue, it had nothing to do with anxiety. Then I got back home, and all at once I was Wonder Woman. "I TOOK A PLANE! TWICE! I CLIMBED MASADA! I SWAM THE DEAD SEA! I TOUCHED THE HOLY SEPULCHRE! I'M AWESOME!" It took some painful weeks to understand I was not an awesome Wonder Woman for what I had done. Here we address one of my worse defects: impatience. Since I had overcome so many fears (trust me, swimming in the Dead Sea in my skimpy costume with al my blubber floating around me was a feat of bravery!) I felt that now my life would fix itself automatically. I would find a nice man, settle down, have a dozen children and realize my lifelong dreams. Guess what, it did not happen. BUT I AM STRONG! I GAINED STRENGTH IN ISRAEL! I TOOK A PLANE! TWICE! I CLIMBED MASADA! I SWAM THE DEAD SEA! I TOUCHED THE HOLY SEPULCHRE! Yes, but it takes a while. I did get in touch with my inner strength, for example that when I really want something (going to Israel) I'm ready to overcome my fears (the plane). But the process is long. Now I have a very interesting new strength on my hands - and I need to use it in the right way. I have made some experiments, quite unwittingly. Stuff happened that would usually have left a nuclear crater in the ground and instead resulted in me brushing the dust - and sometimes a tear - away. No household items broken. No screaming matches. Could it be that I'm learning how to use my rage - by turning it into strength? It would be awesome. The only catch is that I need to fine-tune this newfound strength. The first time I used it consciously, I hurt at least one beloved friend. This won't do at all. Well, the year has just begun. |