Scusate, odio la mia vita. | Last weekend I was supposed to be in two different places at once: in Alassio (3 hours away by train) signing documents, and in Forte Ardietti (Peschiera del Garda) re-enacting. I planned to go to Alassio mid-week and join the guys on Friday or Saturday. The main problem was that I had a ton of stuff to bring to the fort, including my musket. BUT I had learned too late about the Alassio meeting, so I could not give my stuff to the guys to carry it in their cars. Possibilities crashed over me, each making me feel worse: - Go to the fort with my stuff by car. Alone. Come back alone. No way. I'd spend the whole re-enactment in sheer terror. - Bring the stuff to the guys' home by car. Did I mention I was at the height of my allergy and stuffed with antistaminic? Even a short trip worried me. - Go by train with my musket and two gigantic bags. Sigh. - Bring musket + gigantic bags (by car or public transportation) to meeting place with guys going by car on Fri/Sat. Double sigh. Burned by a string of previous botched organizations, I was in a panic. I didn't even go to the gym all week because it was too much of a strain on my MIND. Somewhere around Wednesday morning I took a decision. I wanted to be independent. No lifts from others, which meant no musket and battle kit. I'd bring a female dress along, small luggage, and I'd take my train. No bother to anyone (except maybe my friends who counted on having me in the ranks). My life changed from that moment. Paralysis and depression disappeared. On Thursday I made my tour de force Milano-Alassio-Milano in one day, I rested on Friday, and on Saturday I left for the fort. My outlook was helped also by a couple of restful nights with the new drops prescribed to me by my witch doctor. I took them on Wendesday and Friday evening, when I knew I'd be nervous for the trips. Somehow it had effect on the following nights too. Lately I do dream, and I know they are the usual obsessive dreams, but I barely remember them the morning after, the way I think it should happen with dreams - they don't keep me "awake" all night and they don't haunt me all day. Maybe I've broken the cycle of restless nights and sleepy days for a while. Was it the rest, or the decision of doing things my way, or both? I woke up early on Saturday, fully in time to go through my luggage again and buy the ticket on the net. I had kept the reservation that if on the following day I'd been too tired, sniffly or cold, or could not find the ticket, I'd have stayed home. And it would have suited me perfectly. Instead it was a beautiful sunny day. It was the first day of the problems with planes and trains because of the Iceland volcano, but I obtained my ticket easily. Incredibly, everything went perfectly. In a couple of hours I was at the fort. And I was happy to be there. Happy to remain home and happy to go at the same time? I think I'd have been happy for different reasons - tranquillity vs. seeing friends. But I think the most important thing was waking up on Saturday feeling clear-headed, competent, able to do the last preparations and meet emergencies without panic and without the terror of making a mess like before Wednesday. It's so unusual for me. When I do something wrong, it haunts me for life; when I do something right, it doesn't "sediment" like a positive experience to draw strength from in the future. Until now? Let's not reason too much about this and just enjoy the experience, whether I'll be able to treasure it or not. Oh, the camp itself was fun, I think... although I stopped trying to speak German after I declared "I am not a kitchen", which, while literally true, makes no sense. |