Lagarde is the code-name of the German officer who is Regina's mentor in "Wall of Twilight", the upcoming Normandy epic (starring Kirk Lazarus as Crash Cartwright). Until last week, Lagarde was also her executor. Then he changed his mind. Regina has now a new lease on life, which means I hate myself a lot less than last autumn. This is good. Is there something more to be drawn from it? I've realized there is no Lagarde in my life. Wait: as much as I would want sometimes to be put out of my misery, I've established that it's not what I need right now. Also, there is absolutely no romantic involvement between Regina and the otherwise fascinating German officer. Consciously or not, she sees him as a father figure; but I prefer their teacher-student relationship, or better yet, their roles as leader and follower. (Important note: there is nothing political in this. Lagarde is not a Nazi; he's a faithful soldier who's beginning to realize he's been cheated by his superiors and tries to make the best of a no-win situation. And Regina, after her "death", couldn't care less about Hitler or even her beloved Germany, but only about survival.) Right now I need a leader. Not in my love life (I hate to be "led" in sentimental matters) but in my job, and possibly my life in general. I have a rather complex idea of "power". I dislike the dismissal of power in general as necessarily oppressive. In real life we find ourselves facing power or wielding power in hundreds of ways: as children, as parents, as students, as bosses or employees... as the one who asks for directions, or the one who gives them. I think one has to live with power, exerting it wisely when one has it, and dealing with it in the most constructive way when someone else has it. This is a very old topic of meditation for me; it starts at least with Theodoric in "Dragon and the King", who embodies the best and worst of power, with Aelfwine who has to deal with him. And I like mixing the cards, reverting the roles, observing power from different points of view; such as Optimus, who is an older and wiser "brother figure" for Bee but still a rookie for Ironhide and Chromia, and a "young leader" from the Council's point of view. Power is so much more complicated than Lord Acton's truism, like everything in life. I need a leader who keeps the right distance from me. He (or she) has to be close, to keep an eye on me, to lead from the front, with his example; what he asks of me, he is ready to do himself. But he also has to remain a leader, on a superior plane, and conscious of it, because otherwise morale goes to hell. So, no superiors who don't care about my work, no editors who keep me in the dark, and no bosses who take out their angst and pessimism on me. And it doesn't stop at work; when friends or relatives face a problem by b!tching and sulking, I get the strong urge to relieve them of command, or put them on latrine duty for a couple of days! Then again, whenever I find myself facing a problem, I do try to behave like my ideal leader, otherwise I fully expect people around me to relieve ME or put ME on latrine duty. (I posted already about this theme here.) Not incidentally, Lagarde roughly means "the guardian", or better still "the guard, the protection" in abstract (many churches in France are named "Notre Dame de la Garde", for example in Marseilles). That's what I need: a leader ready to protect me as I'm ready to work loyally for him or her. Luckily my work in real life does not entail murdering Allied officers or risking the firing squad... even though I often feel exactly like it did. I think so often in military terms, because I think that the military lifestyle often makes very much sense. Big military screw-ups always happen because of faulty leaders, not of the basic rules. Add that I do feel like I'm living a war and I could die tomorrow. But above all I relate to the practical aspects of military sayings like "Hurry up and wait" or "Always think for 3 ranks up and 3 ranks down" (can't quote the origin, sorry). However, war in the real world does not appeal to me at all, or it wouldn't be my metaphor for the fear and suffering I'm going through. I've been told that "Wall of Twilight" romanticizes war. Uh, I don't know, people die left and right in it, friends are killed, more friends risk death, there are at least two funerals, people get obliterated by bombs as others are talking to them, or burned alive, the hero gets disembowelled and the heroine ends up running away in terror from it all. You tell me how romantic it is... |