I've just told a perfect stranger to f*** off on the net, and probably ruined a friend's holiday, but he happened by with some cruel words during one of my all-time lows. My latest translation sucks... again. My boss was very understanding about it, quick to tell me and ready to rearrange the calendar to give me more time, but still, I suck as a translator. Like the other time, I know the problem, I know the solution; I just can't apply it, if even reading it again and re-reading it again doesn't work. I'm calm, really. I'm just so tired and I don't know what to do. I plainly can't do this job. I have to look for another one, but I have no idea what, and then again, I've sucked at EVERYTHING I've ever tried to do, whether it was my private or public life, so why should things change? It's not in my experience. A few days ago I was thinking about giving it all up and working on my novels. But with these premises, they suck too. Some years ago, last time I've been in love (and I haven't ever since), I was ready to give up everything and raise my children. Good thing it didn't happen, I'd have ruined someone else's life too. I'm so very rational and cold right now. No trace of self-pity. I see things as they are. My friends won't agree, but of course they are fond of me, so they are ready to take me as I am and this is good (I love you all): but I'm looking at hard facts, and friendship doesn't help me earn money and buy food. Oh, I know, I'll find a way to patch it up... for now. Then, next time, it will be the same. Lucretius was right: pleasure is just the absence of pain. I'll wait for those moments, until it sleeps... |