I've overreacted, but overreaction is a symptom of depression, and the usual Xanax and hearty breakfast calms the symptom. Damn, I'm out of Trancini. I'm out of beer too - I keep having stomach burns, so I stopped buying it in the event it's a contributing factor. The battle goes on, just with one more handicap: knowing that what I deliver for work could suck and probably does. Now I'll make a discreet call to ascertain the exact nature of suckiness and the ways to fix it - for example, how about sending me the editing rules they keep promising me? It could even be a maturing experience: dealing with rejection, which is something I'm not very familiar with, having mostly avoided confrontation all my life. Maybe that's what saps my energy with work: knowing that I'll be judged. Well, better get used to it. Then it's back on the battlefield, with all my enthusiasm gone and an increased proclivity to cry. I don't want to go back to the black black blog, but you've seen what happens when I say I'm happy. Yes, I'm superstitious. No, I don't think it's the Devil (whose presence I find difficult to accept) or a test from my God (whose presence manifests itself by tapping on my shoulder now and then and making me smile, not certainly hurting me). I simply think that I'm cursed. I can't explain it either with reason or with faith, make of that what you will. It's probably coincidence, and psychology: it's the voice that repeats "YOU SUCK I SUCK LIFE SUCKS" since I was born. As such, it must have a remedy, but I haven't found it yet. I feel like I'm going through adolescence NOW. (Re-)Learning to drive, finding a job, dealing with those aliens we call men. My WWII comparisons are not just geekiness: I am really fighting on more fronts, sapping my energies and feeling more and more tired. That's the worst part. I'm dead tired ALL DAY. It can't be the material effort, after all I sleep a lot and have relaxed (?) rhythms. It's the effort of the brain that can't stop thinking about all these things. I should take up Yoga again, and especially meditation. I need to find a way to shut off the brain and just concentrate on what I'm doing. Þæs oferéode, ðisses swá mæg. |