(traduco quando finisco i 27 fascicoli che ho indietro) | I'm coming to believe that fear moves the world. Not money, not sex; fear, and our ways of avoiding it and reacting to it, generally through hatred and rage. I was thinking today at lunch about the things that still scare me, and those that don't. There have been instances recently when I've defeated fear through two means: understanding fear and finding weapons to fight it. I'm better with the former, but I can apply the latter to certain situations. But still too few. Positive examples: My New Year trip. I told myself that if I felt ill staying among PEOPLE I could go out and have a walk among the wonderful nature of those parts. Armed with this decision, I... did not need it; I felt OK. I felt strong, so I wasn't afraid. I'm leaving for Yavincon now, and I don't have one shred of fear. The general elections. My stories helped. When the craziness and pettiness and immaturity on the TV screen and around me became insufferable, I just switched to the RRO and Cybertron's missing government, and I almost never got angry. As I wrote somewhere already, I discovered I've forgiven those people who harassed me at work. Because they certainly were afraid of something too to behave that way, and though it's sad for them, it wasn't about me. Being offended for my beliefs still hurts, of course. But I reason that the other person has to be very afraid of something to react so violently, and furthermore I have my weapons to shut the pain out. But what if one of the two conditions is missing? For example, knowing very well the roots of the fear, but not being able to find weapons to counter it? I can think of several things that still haunt me. Almost a year ago, I left my job at the hospital in a huff. I'm still furious about it, which means I'm still afraid. If someone mentions it, I go crazy. And I'm consistently making a mess of all the jobs I have (my employers were NOT amused at getting the book in 3 pieces, one month late and with no answer from me in the mail or on the phone - but I was prepared to that, and I have no problem accepting the responsibility), because of that little voice that repeats to me "It's useless, you'll fail, life sucks anyway." I know I should not listen to the voice. I don't know how. The only thing that vaguely works, apart from the self-confidence I gain from solving other situations, is writing. People laugh about my Transformers saga but I'm discovering stuff about myself that I never knew existed. For example, that understanding the reasons of pain and fear is good but NOT enough without the weapons to counter them. Starscream to Optimus: "Yeah, understanding the reasons helped a lot, didn't it, when you thought your Elita was dead?" and Optimus has no answer. YET. Or my poor sweet little beloved car, doubly dear to me because it was sold to me by my late uncle. I was so excited with it. Then I started being afraid, and using weapons to counter the fear - the GPS, the maps, preparing every time like for a trip in Amazonia - and they didn't work. I'm still scared to death. I have to either find new weapons or gain more strength in other fields so that I feel more confident with it. Or planes. I was beginning to think that maybe lately I'd be less afraid. Then the other night I had a nightmare. Actually it was a pretty normal dream, I had to go somewhere by plane and change planes along the way. Only, there was a terrible storm. I survived the first half of the flight, then woke up and told myself: "It was a dream, now go back to sleep and dream about something else." And I did, even if I wonder if that was the time I dreamed about a murder victim wrapped up in a carpet and mutant cats. I do wish I could dream about strip poker with Transformers, like some people I won't mention. ^^ It gets more complicated. I'm in a situation where fear is so strong that it kills every happiness I could get out of it. Yet I feel I have to face that situation - that is, forge ahead and be frightened and in pain, and possibly hurt someone else, with no hope of a happy end: whatever happens, it will be defeat. Then maybe things will be different once the cards are on the table, but for now I see only dark ahead. I understand, yes, all too well: but I have no idea of the weapons I could use to defend myself, no idea. It's like the smoke creature of the LOST island. Well, the Others have the radiation poles or whatever. I haven't found a real-life counterpart of the poles... unless I just go there and stare at it, and hope it will like what it sees in me. One of my favourite pieces of poetry, "The Battle of Maldon" (10th century) has that famous passage masterfully translated by Tolkien: Heart shall be bolder, harder be purpose, It's a song of defeat that perhaps Hemingway would have liked. Stuff does go spectacularly wrong, but if you're aware of who you are, at least you'll go down fighting. Maybe, at least in this last case, it's the only thing that can help me. |