(Giuro che li traduco perché sono cose importanti... ma in Aprile.) | In the post below I forgot the fourth option: sleep off the hangover. (Ow.) St. Pat's was memorable. I don't remember much of it after 2 double malt beers and an Irish Mist, but it's great to have friends who lend you earrings (I feel naked without them, even if it's the tiny rings I usually wear - I wanted to wear my Theodora earrings but forgot them on my desk because I was working up to the last minute, grrr) and give you cross-stitch thingies and Transformers thingies and a surprise Inzaghi pin (I now own 3 beautiful Opti pins, though I'm afraid I lost Iron Man somewhere in the depths of Bro's car) and even friends to flirt with, despite my brain working so badly. Had some deep conversation in the car with the girls. I even remember part of it. I'm sure I sounded even drunker than I was. Life is strange, and unpredictable. Maybe being aware of this is the best one can do, but it also makes choices harder. Or easier. Instinct helps. Awareness helps too, because if you say an unpleasant truth aloud, it might not be of much use, but at least it's out in the open. I might be close to something like awareness with my work. After last week's panic, I simply stopped worrying. I'm working to finish the thing, working a lot, and of course I'd hate for them to call me or e-mail me again (so I'm not checking Outlook...) and I really feel bad for them, but I'm not killing myself with worry. I haven't stopped my social life for work. I might or might not deliver today, I'll do it if I can, and if I can't, I can't. Period. The problem remains, but now I think I understand better what I do. Screwing up work is a form of rebellion towards what I've been calling "the Starscream world" I sometimes live in. (It's the world that spawns Dementors.) Only, I had been doing it unconsciously, thus getting confused by my self-destructive behaviour. If I'm conscious of it, I can say "OK, I hate doing this thing because I'm afraid etc etc, I'd rather be drawing Optimus Prime naked, but if I don't do it I'll feel bad later, so lay off the rebellion for a while." This kind of awareness has helped me a lot with my fears. I hope it will help me with work too, in the future... assuming I ever get to work again after this fiasco. |