Woke up on the 31st the worst in a long time. It wasn't just the usual panic, it was sharp pain for the loss of certain feelings I had foolishly allowed myself to entertain. Last night was really bad as I contemplated the nothingness that I am. I know it goes away. It happened already very recently and it went away. The question is, why does it always have to go away?
Got better during the day with the help of sun, lovely sights and a minimum of Snape's potions. But careful, careful with the simple appreciation of nature. The best is not feeling anything at all. I'm very close to it.
That part is very bad and getting worse. Now I'm not just afraid of communication: I simply forget about communicating. It's not that I don't want to, that I'm not fond of them. I'm only tired. Slowing down. Like my granny who just forgot how to walk.
Are Snape's potions any use? It's been going so badly, not just with no change but worse and worse, that I'm beginning to wonder whether they don't actually hurt me. I'm not like Lupin. I forgot it once and I thought I was feeling better. But is it true or just coincidence?
Snape is open to experiments, of course. But he also tries to convince me that there's nothing organically wrong in my head. If that is the case, why do potions influence my condition? It makes no sense, does it? Of course, we need patience, we need trial and error. But I am so confused, I do not know what to think, what is true, what to trust. I can't trust him yet.
All is confusion. Even when I feel a bit better, like now after writing down all of this, after a day has passed. Feeling better is random. And it boils down to feeling nothing. Maybe now I want to do more things because really I don't care about any of them. |