Set after "The Dragon and the King")
So we left the Valley and passed through Lake Town and are en route for Mediolanum. My king is gloomy as he could be; but he will recover, it's in his nature. I know I should miss the friends and lovers I left behind, but I feel empty. I care very little for human company. My reason of life now is taking care of him - but when he is healed and settled, will I set him aside too? And for what? If I could have my desire, it would be for... nothing. No more studies, no more society. Settling in whatever task he will see fit to give me, do it well and dispassionately, take care of my little space, go to sleep in the evening - early - knowing that the plants are cared for and the house is clean. The desire of an old man. And I am still young. This is not fair.
It scares me, this emptiness. I would like to reach out to friends, to let them know that I'm still here, that I still care for them, and I find I can't. It's not that I don't care. I do, and drawing back is painful. But I just don't want to face people. I'm frightened of demands, responsibilities, diplomacy. The diplomacy of not letting out what I've discovered in that cave.
I have seen the dragon, and it was not an evil entity. For my king, it was a mirror of the horrors hidden inside him. But some shards of mirror also showed me the truth inside me. You cannot come out unchanged from this. I might say that I need time to adjust, that it's obvious I need to pull back a little from human company and relax, meditate and reflect. But what if it were not just "a little"? What if it were my nature to live alone and uncaring? I've been disdainful to Valeria and Michaél, harsh to Brida and a liar to Joanni who left convinced I was a paragon of tolerance. All that gentle compassion I was so proud of, all my friends who once seemed my reason of life - what if they were disposable too? Just puppets to talk to about my mood of the moment, and then forget them? No... never forget them. Rather, remember their company with regret and guilt.
I look around from where I am sitting, and for the moment I am at peace. While we rest the horses near the stream, Hildebrand has ridden ahead to commandeer a tavern. The company of warriors is almost relaxing. And then I think: what do I care about being introduced at court (or what the king calls court, which I suspect will consist of his family and a few officers and friends living in a requisitioned palace with their livestock)? Walking among people who have their own lives and loves, with nobody to call my own, and not even the inclination to search for such a one, quite the contrary? My heart has been broken in more ways that I care to admit. My meeting with the dragon has left me uncaring of flirtation. So what should I do among them? Smile falsely, keep wishing that there were someone to share that beauty and happiness with, know that such a one can't exist, feeling only fear when meeting friends, the fear that my heart is frozen forever?...
"Aelfwine?"
My king sits down beside me, careful not to tear his stitches once again. He looks at my writing, but even if he were proficient in reading at a glance he would not understand my native language. "Go and tell those scared peasants over there that we're just resting and won't burn down their farm. I tried to tell them but I scare them for some reason." He gives me his old hell-bent grin. So I was looking for a dragon and I found one, what am I complaining about?
I get up. All right. Worrying about the future has no meaning. Will my heart be frozen forever? I can't do anything about it now. So I go to talk to them, simply and calmly, hoping I won't make any more friends. |