Damn, it hurts. What I said below, getting out of an obligation - it hurts a lot. They counted on me. Probably they like me. Yeah, then I make a mess. I always make a mess. It has happened so many times, so many. I have to tell myself the hurt I feel now is less than the hurt I would feel when I let them down. Damn. They are nice people, and I really liked them. I loved to be able to help.
The lowest expectation I can have now: trying to be less afraid of people. I don't know how. It will be slow. Meanwhile I'm pulling back from everything. I can't expect my friends to be ok with me if it's so obvious I'm scared of them, of their judgement. I'm not always scared. It depends. But how can I know? How can they know?
Damn. I hadn't cried in a while. They ask me why, and I can't explain. I'm afraid, that's the answer. How would they react? It sounds so absurd. Being afraid to play, basically - that's what it was. A game. Nobody would have been hurt if I pulled out later. I really wanted to get closer to those guys. Maybe I will anyway, even if I don't work with them so closely. But I guess I'll cry again every time I think of this, for a while. Well, it's better than nightmares.
Sirius Black |