(Mi spiace ma non ce la faccio a tradurre!)
The most treacherous kind of fear is the one you can't see. The one that finds apparently rational excuses for not doing things. The fear you feel is healthy and useful. Wyrd can laugh all she wants, but I'm learning so much with my car trips.
I don't know how it started; apparently through no conscious effort on my part. There was a phase where I would have sought any excuse to take someone else's car. Now it's the contrary: my car all the way. I don't spend the day in horror at the thought of having to take it. Hey, I don't like being yelled at and getting lost on a regular basis; but for some reason, I can deal with that fear.
The way I deal with what people think of me is complicated. I'm scared that they disapprove me, and yet in my turn I disapprove them and try to change them. (re: parents.) Well, people disapprove of me on a massive scale when I drive; whether because I make a wrong turn, or because I make everything all too correctly. It's bad, but it doesn't stop me.
I feel, very remotely, that I'm beginning to apply this also to my everyday life. It's obvious that what I do can't please everybody. Quite the contrary: some decidedly hate it. Well: if it hurts them somehow, I'm sorry, it's painful, I'll help if I can, but if I know it's right, I'm not going to stop. I'm not going to remain a baby forever because someone is convinced I'll kill myself on my bicycle or my car. I'm not going to be silent because someone is offended by my political ideas. I won't force them down their throats: but I won't be ashamed of them either. It's hard, but not harder than taking the Preciousss out of her garage knowing that I'm about to make an utter fool of myself once again.
If I let myself be what I am, is this a step towards letting those closer to me be what they are? To help in any practical way I can, but without feeling guilty as though I should do more? Is it a way out from this vicious circle? |