Maybe the reason why I don't want to read certain e-mails is the fear that I'll give in to rage? Then I'm so surprised when they turn out to be kind... But what is the reason for my rage? Or would anybody be furious in these conditions, when everything I love seems to be taken away from me by my own brain? Or is rage a consequence of fear? They are not going to kill me. Even Lagarde does not want to kill me anymore. And I'm not going to kill them... maybe. Rage and fear. Am I angry at my fear, or am I afraid of my rage? I still can't unravel this knot. I only know I'm in a panic. I'm paralized. I'd have good reasons for being afraid of my rage. I need something beautiful. Something to remind me that there's a real life behind all of this. Family, perhaps... often helpful and a source of joy. And can my friends help me manage my rage-fear? Or maybe the person I'm hiding from is a Lagarde in disguise? Religion? My reasonings about evil? Maybe if I tackle this as if it were evil and then it isn't, it would work. And if it is, I know Who can help. But if I'm in a panic, He is distant... the dark night of the soul. END: opened e-mail, it was moderately critical but kind, I replied in tone and I hope I've established a good exchange. Why the hell must it be so difficult? |