Sane Inside Insanity: EPIPHANY

giovedì, maggio 21, 2009

EPIPHANY

The other night I had an epiphany while I was writing about El Alamein. It was more important than I realized at the moment; soon you'll know why.

So: every time I face people, I face my traumas. I always see the same archetypal scene: me involved in a conflict - trying to solve it, being one side of the conflict, or being the reason for it. This makes me live in an almost continuous state of panic, which at its worst manifests itself with the brain blanking out and becoming useless for hours.

How to deal with it?

Case 1. Trying to solve conflicts is often useless. Especially when I open the online news sites and my liver explodes. I can't save the world and my liver from stupidity and bad journalism. Even among friends and - more painfully - family, I can't take the part of that "leader" I've spoken below. Conflict has become the most accepted form of communication; this is something I'll keep fighting against, but I'm trying to learn that there's a point I have to step back, recognize my impotence and not feel ashamed of being different from them. I find comfort in trying to live peacefully for myself, if they don't, and being an example of compassion - when I manage to keep my temper under control.

Case 2. It's not so bad when I'm one side of the conflict, because I've learned ways to defend myself or find escape routes. It's something I'm very proud of, because it's been noticed by others too. It's still a fight every time, in fact it ruins romance (the most conflict-riddled human activity, short of thermonuclear war), but it doesn't forbid me anymore from seeing my friends. I must not think it's a random change. Being more patient and compassionate has probably improved my self-image too. All my work on myself has been useful, at least for the time being.

Case 3. It's worse when I'm the reason of the conflict, as it has been in any of my work situations. At the office I had been sorely provoked, but ultimately I was wrong in leaving like that. I believe I have matured and today I would not react that way (see the textbook Case 2 at the cafeteria); maybe that horrible experience helped me grow up; but damn, that monthly wage was useful. Back then the situation turned me into a ball of pure panic. I saw people I loved quarrelling and sniping at each other, and of course tried to solve it; but what can you do when the answer to everything you say is AAAAAARRGGH IT'S USELESS WE'RE RUINED WE'LL ALL DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? My "leader" was so totally uninspiring that I did try to lead by example, cheer up the troups, always look for a solution; but I wasn't up to it. When my nerves snapped and I started making mistakes, they were promptly used against me, Case 3 materialized, and at that point it was good-bye. I was unmanageable, by them and by myself. When I re-read this I still shiver and see white.

So I went back to translating from home, but I think the office experience had already worsened the situation. That job ended with a bang in June 2007. I remember nothing of the rest of the year. (The Adriatic revisions and the Marvel magazines? Yes, possibly.) In 2008 my concentration, quickness and plain resistance to tiredness plummeted to a full-blown "battle fatigue". Every assignment took more time, also because my unconscious tortured me, first with the Transformers saga and then with Wall of Twilight. (There was a very good reason, because I learned a lot writing them; still they took time away from work.) I received 3 novels to translate, each about 900 pages; I got the Ospreys and was overjoyed, but I started on the wrong foot with them, and the mess worsened. I took no time off at all during the summer. Now I'm GOING TO FINISH the job I have at hand, no doubt of it, but I've already botched the timing horribly, and once again I'm clearly the reason of the conflict: and I see no way out, so it's much worse than Cases 1 and 2, so I go into panic practically every time I simply consider getting to work. I'm grateful to my family and friends for the support. When it's over I'll celebrate; for now my life seems like a travesty and I feel too guilty to do nice things such as watching LOST.

But let's go back to the other night. Clearly, that vague intuition didn't take form into my brain, like Pallas Athena, as the full-grown discourse above. But it must have structured itself while I was sleeping, or something like it. Why do I think so? Because that morning, before I had the epiphany, I drank two beers and despite this I wasn't able to check the mail; but the morning after I checked it without a qualm and without chemical helps, excepted the usual Xanax with breakfast. Today I've done the same.

What caused this change? I'm learning to think it was not random. I hope my increased self-esteem was due to my epiphany the previous night. Every time I face people, in any kind of situation (work, society, love), I face my old traumas of not being able to solve conflict, or of being a part of it. When I realized this, I looked in the eyes of the monster. I haven't defeated it; but at least now I see it better.

Oh: I've taken ages just writing this. The more it seemed important, the harder it was to write. This must mean something; anyway I did it and I feel better now. Of course it took time from my work. But you see what I mean when I say this is a travesty of life, when it's a choice between taking care of myself and taking care of my work. When I get out of this, I'll do my best so that it doesn't happen again.

Marry a millionaire, perhaps?

QUOTES

Heart shall be bolder,
harder be purpose,
more proud the spirit
as our power lessens!
Mind shall not falter
nor mood waver,
though doom shall come
and dark conquer.
(The Battle of Maeldon, translated by Tolkien)

He who has a treasure, or a demon in his heart, cannot hide it. (King Theodoric the Great)

I' mi son un che, quando
Amor mi spira, noto, e a quel modo
ch'e' ditta dentro vo significando.
(Dante Alighieri, Purgatorio)

The lambs will stop for now. But, Clarice, you judge yourself with all the mercy of the dungeon scales at Threave; you'll have to earn it again and again, the blessed silence. Because it's the plight that drives you, seeing the plight, and the plight will not end, ever. (Hannibal Lecter)

Kilimanjaro is a snow-covered mountain 19,710 feet high, and is said to be the highest mountain in Africa. Its western summit is called the Masai 'Ngaje Ngai', the House of God. Close to the western summit there is the dried and frozen carcass of a leopard. No one has explained what the leopard was seeking at that altitude. (Ernest Hemingway)

Would I embarrass you? Yes, it is possible. You see, I... I am crazy. I take the newer medications, but I still see things that are not here. I just choose not to acknowledge them. Like a diet of the mind, I choose not to indulge certain appetites. Like my appetite for patterns. Perhaps my appetite to imagine and to dream. (A Beautiful Mind)

Night gathers, and now my watch begins.
It shall not end until my death.
I shall take no wife, hold no lands,
father no children.
I shall wear no crowns and win no glory.
I shall live and die at my post.
I am the sword in the darkness.
I am the watcher on the walls.
I am the fire that burns against the cold,
the light that brings the dawn,
the horn that wakes the sleepers,
the shield that guards the realms of men.
I pledge my life and honor to the Night Watch
for this night and all the nights to come.
(GRRM)

Never criticize a person until you walk a mile in their shoes (Atticus Finch)

A warrior for peace is no less a warrior (General Korrd, unwittingly reminding of Yitzhak Rabin)

What was there to be gained by fighting the most evil wizard who has ever existed? Only innocent lives, Peter. (Sirius Black)

Whatever makes a soldier sad will make a killer smile (Leonard Cohen)

I'm rightly tired of the pain I hear and feel, boss. I'm tired of bein on the road, lonely as a robin in the rain. Not never havin no buddy to go on with or tell me where we's comin from or goin to or why. I'm tired of people bein ugly to each other. It feels like pieces of glass in my head. I'm tired of all the times I've wanted to help and couldn't. I'm tired of bein in the dark. Mostly it's the pain. There's too much. If I could end it, I would. But I can't. (John Coffey)

Oh, life! 'tis in an hour like this, with soul beat down and held to knowledge, - as wild, untutored things are forced to feel - Oh, life! 'tis now that I do feel the latent horror in thee! but 'tis not me! that horror's out of me! and with the soft feeling of the human in me, yet will I try to fight ye, ye grim, phantom futures! (Starbuck)

I have dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind. (Charlotte Bronte)

If I know a song of Africa, of the giraffe and the African new moon lying on her back, of the plows in the fields and the sweaty faces of the coffee pickers, does Africa know a song of me? Will the air over the plain quiver with a color that I have had on, or the children invent a game in which my name is, or the full moon throw a shadow over the gravel of the drive that was like me, or will the eagles of the Ngong Hills look out for me? (Karen Blixen)

Do not you recognize me, Dumas? I am the rearguard of the Grande Armee. I have stood at Kovno, and thrown the last muskets in the Niemen. I am Marshal Ney. Give me a bowl of soup. (Attributed to Michel Ney).