EXPERIMENTS

Forgot to buy Sereupin when I left Milan for Easter. Oh well, I thought, I had 2 or 3 pills left, I'd just split them and take half of it daily (I have to take Sereupin regularly, not like Xanax), then resume the normal regime when coming back to Milan. The results were mixed but interesting. This morning, entirely out of Sereupin, I was homicidal. I snapped back at assorted family members, narrowly avoiding nuclear war, when I usually keep silent for the sake of family peace. (Add that, because of my family's peculiarities, explaining my reasons is entirely useless.) I had felt the rage growing since last evening, when I was mad because I could not concentrate on the work I love. I burst into tears because I was denied something I care very much about and could not vent my rage on anything or anyone: my shattered mental health is not anybody's conscious fault. The strange thing is that without Sereupin, Xanax does not help either. At best it makes me apatethic, not active. This morning I didn't even feel the brief jolt of hope and serenity that Xanax usually brings. It reminded me of the day I left the hospital job (you know, the one where I was hired for data processing and ended up taking phone calls from dying people). I wasn't taking Sereupin at the time (more later about this). Tons of Xanax did nothing for the rage I felt. I was reduced to carrying with me a tiny flask of Jack Daniels to take a swill when I was about to burst. But I was ashamed of it, picturesque though it may be, so I deflagrated and left the office slamming the door behind me. That was nobody's conscious fault either, though there were several catalysts for my breakdown. I've been taking Sereupin for about a year and a half. Some years ago my doctor had already prescribed it to me, but the effect had been a bit over the top. Oh yeah, I felt great; I felt like a stopper had been taken out of my heart, and all my emotions and desires were pouring out like sand out of an upturned bottle. All of a sudden I was joining all possible groups and going to all manifestations - all things I do care about, but the intensity with which I tackled it was worrisome. I myself acknowledged it made me too excitable, and my doctor and I decided to look for other treatments and stop Sereupin. In Autumn 2007 I suggested we try again. My rage was threatening yet another job which required close contact with people, even though those people were friends. So my doctor prescribed Sereupin again. The results were entirely different from the first time (and we're still discussing it to understand): - less rage, which is good; - absolutely no excessive excitement (why?); - possibly, much less *normal* excitement and interest for everyday actions and feelings. This last effect was exemplified by two recent events. Bro can testify, since I told her: Sereupin Round 2 helped because it made me less belligerent and anxious when tackling a job. But it also felt like it was taking away a lot of the interest I used to have for my work. Unfortunately the lessened anxiety came too late to stop the avalanche of work panic which started last year and made me late for EVERYTHING, so I can't really gauge how much the treatment destroyed my enjoyment of something I used to love, to the point that work became an unbearable weight. The second instance, I think, is a clearer hint that Sereupin saves me from nuking the world but messes up my feelings. I'm convinced it gave me the raw strength and courage, around New Year's Eve, to make a pass at a guy I liked. To this day I still can't understand how much I really liked him; if I tried just to try, to find some company, to test my courage, of if I was really in love with him. The guy said no, so it doesn't matter much, but what about next time? It makes me fear/wish there will never be a next time for the rest of my life, which doesn't help my mood nowadays. Till now I've tackled the problem empirically. Unfortunately my brain is not up to making in-depth researches about Xanax and Sereupin. However, and I'll discuss this again with my doc, I want to understand how the stuff really works. What I know is this: XANAX (anxiolitic): trade name of ALPRAZOLAM; a short-acting drug of the benzodiazepine class used to treat moderate to severe anxiety disorders, panic attacks, and as an adjunctive treatment for anxiety associated with moderate depression. SEREUPIN (antidepressant) trade name of PAROXETINE: selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or serotonin-specific reuptake inhibitor (SSRIs), used in the treatment of depression, anxiety disorders, and post-traumatic stress disease. (from Wiki, but the instructions in the boxes say the same) So, oversimplifying, Xanax cures anxiety and Sereupin cures depression (lack of serotonin), both of which make up PTSD. I've come to understand that my anxiety came first, and I'm fairly positive about its causes; depression in its turn was caused by the disruption of my life engendered by anxiety. Now I still have to understand why reducing Sereupin makes me murderous: how is rage connected with depression? Maybe I need to replace Sereupin with something that reduces rage but does not interferes with my other feelings - is that even possible? It's a work in progress. So, as you can see I'm working on it and fighting for my healing, but the most immediate problem is how to survive here and now. This post was absolutely VITAL to me: I was going out of my mind if I did not try to clarify to myself what has been eating at my brain these days. Now I feel much better, I even feel this is a very important piece of my research, not to mention the possibility that it could be useful to others (but PLEASE, check with your doctor first). However... it is now 4 PM and today I haven't written a line of work. Also, it might seem I'm wasting time on Facebook 24/7. Actually I keep it open while I work, and when panic becomes too strong I go kill some monsters, or I take a quiz that reminds me who I am, or I just say hi to a friend so that I remember what life is. I've come to the point that for me work is the opposite of life, and I feel like crying even now, when I think how work was once a vital part of my life. Now it's time for practical action. I'll get a certificate from my doctor and I'll talk to my employers about my health problems. If I'm ill, I'm ill, I can't pretend otherwise anymore. By the way, I think a heavy stress messes up the whole body, and incidentally I've been sniffling, crying, sneezing and coughing since mid-February. The other day I thought I had asthma - I could not breathe for coughing. I cured it with... a Xanax pill. This is NOT just hay fever. I can't sleep anymore without nose plasters or whatever those thingies are called. I feel so weak and breathless I'd do nothing all day. I don't want to drop my current assignments. I only want to explain to my employers that I need just a little more time, for the reasons listed above. I know it won't be easy. I told one employer I was not feeling well and they didn't even ask what I had. That's the ugliness of working from home: any problem you might have, no matter how serious, is entirely your own business. If I had broken my right arm everything would be easier, but no, it's my brain that's broken: partly I'm ashamed of it (dear Bro called this morning to ask how I was, and I told her just about the hay fever), partly I'm afraid they would not understand. But I have to do this, because knowing that they are waiting for my stuff and hearing nothing from me is just an added reason for anxiety. I don't like to hurt others one way or another, it makes me feel terrible. After this, I'll gradually stop translating. I'll never do another novel. I might go on with WWII if they still want me, and I'll probably finish the Marvel cycle, but then I'll accept no more translations. I'll take a long rest, and then I'll finally start working on my stuff. I just hope I survive that long.